Tell the Truth and Play Fair

Tell the Truth and Play Fair

How to live in peace with each other?

The Practice:
Tell the Truth and Play Fair


Perhaps like you, I’ve been worrying lately about what it will take for all of us to live together in peace.

I remember what I’ve heard many teachers say to their students: Tell the truth. Play fair.

This is what we ask our own kids to do. It’s what we look for in a friend, a boss, and a neighbor. If your child cheats on a board game, you point it out; it’s not OK. We want cashiers to give us the correct change and doctors to be honest about our test results. It’s basic.

The Foundation of Morals and Ethics

People compete with each other and have conflicts. But whether it’s a game of cards, businesses on main street, or an election, we expect a level playing field. Rights for you are also rights for me, and rules for me are also rules for you. If everyone accepts these standards, winning is all the sweeter because you earned it. Losing may be bitter, but at least you know you weren’t cheated.

For example, I’m a fan of the Golden State Warriors. Against the Toronto Raptors in the 2019 NBA finals, both teams played their hearts out, and the Raptors won fairly. Neither team welcomed a sixth man sneaking in to help them or tried to tilt the court, so the other team had to run uphill.

Bad Process Leads to Bad Results

There’s a saying: a good process leads to a good result. So if there are bad results –from bullying on a playground to a country in trouble – it’s common sense to figure out the bad process that led to those results.

In relationships at all scales – in couples, communities, and whole societies – a good process must include telling the truth and playing fair. It is not a guarantee, but lying and cheating are guaranteed to poison relationships over time.

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We start with our own side of the street. We may get heated, persuasive, even over the top, but there’s no lying. If we get some facts wrong, we admit it – at least eventually. We don’t punish people for trying to find the truth. We don’t speak in bad faith, counter-attack, or get provocative to muddy the waters. If we say something is bad for others to do, we don’t do it ourselves. This doesn’t mean walking on eggshells or being a saint. It’s just calling ourselves to the basic standards we’d want in any school classroom.

But then what do we do with those who won’t do the same?

See What You See

Tell the truth to yourself about what is happening. It can be shocking to realize that someone doesn’t feel the need, to be honest or fair with you – especially people who seem so charming. Watch over time and see whether they are genuinely narcissistic or sociopathic (and not just preoccupied internally or socially clueless). Do they regard you and others as only a means to their ends, not as beings who matter in their own right?

Ordinary exaggerations, sales pitches, rants, snark, and arguments are one thing, but repeated lying is another. The attacks on truth-telling and fair play are the fundamental issues. Recognizing this and naming it to yourself is freeing and healing. You may be unable to change anything out in the world, but at least inside your mind, you can stand on solid ground.

Find Allies

We need allies, people who also see what we see. Consider whom you could draw upon to recognize what is happening and perhaps help you with it. For example, in various situations, I have reached out to friends, family members, colleagues, mentors, lawyers, and state regulatory agencies.

And of course, others need us to be allies with them as well.

Speak out

Lying and cheating are a kind of “freeloading” in which one person takes advantage of others. Throughout most of the time we’ve walked this earth, people have lived in small groups or villages in which they could band together to shame and punish freeloaders. “Shame” and “punish” are strong words. But without them, there would have been no consequences for freeloading, and our human and hominid ancestors would not have been able to evolve our magnificent capacities for cooperation, generosity, and justice.

Sometimes it is not safe to call out a freeloader (such as a bully, con artist, casual liar, or sexual predator). Then you protect yourself and others as best you can.

But if you can do it, shine a bright light on violations of truth-telling and fair play. Ideally with allies who do the same. Liars and cheaters are usually very good at distracting others with wild and dramatic counter-claims. So we need to stay focused on simple questions and not be bamboozled by side issues: “Are you trustworthy? Why should anyone ever listen to you again?”

Include the Political Level

I’m a psychologist and focus mainly on the level of individuals. Still, many of the forces that hurt us personally come from the political level. Each of us has the right to speak up about this (much as you have the right to stop reading here if you want).

In their small groups, our ancestors came together to shame and punish powerful freeloaders that no individual dared take on alone. It wasn’t perfect and didn’t always work, but the alternative was worse.

Honest and honorable people often have intense disagreements about how to run a village or a nation. But we can find common ground in these basic principles: no lying and no cheating – and may the best team win. This is what we need to come together about. The central political issue of our time is not between the left and the right. It is between those who will tell the truth and play fair – and those who will not.

Do What You Can

We can avoid the pitfalls of righteousness while asking political candidates if they are actually committed to being honest and fair – and confronting them and their followers about this bedrock issue when they are not. Lying is a firing offense in any business and dishonorable in our armed forces – and should be the same in any elected office. We can flag liars on Twitter while staying out of stupid arguments. We can support journalists, scientists, and lawyers who get to the truth of things.

And with our voices, money, and votes, we can keep a bright light focus on the foundation of any democracy: having elections that are free and fair, and inclusive. In the rankings of democracies in 2018 by the Economist, the US ranked 25th in the world, behind most other advanced nations. If people have to lie and cheat to get into and then hold onto high office, they may have legal authority but they will never have moral legitimacy.

Anyone, high or low, who lies and cheats – and anyone who supports such people – would lose all standing in a schoolyard, church or temple, marketplace, or village commons. We need exactly the same to happen in our own public square. Because we all live in this square, and what happens there have very personal consequences for each one of us.

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Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, and expert on the impact of toxic narcissism. She is a Professor of Psychology at California State University, Los Angeles, and also a Visiting Professor at the University of Johannesburg.

The focus of Dr. Ramani’s clinical, academic, and consultative work is the etiology and impact of narcissism and high-conflict, entitled, antagonistic personality styles on human relationships, mental health, and societal expectations. She has spoken on these issues to clinicians, educators, and researchers around the world.

She is the author of Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist, and Don't You Know Who I Am? How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Her work has been featured at SxSW, TEDx, and on a wide range of media platforms including Red Table Talk, the Today Show, Oxygen, Investigation Discovery, and Bravo, and she is a featured expert on the digital media mental health platform MedCircle. Dr. Durvasula’s research on personality disorders has been funded by the National Institutes of Health and she is a Consulting Editor of the scientific journal Behavioral Medicine.

Dr. Stephen Porges is a Distinguished University Scientist at Indiana University, Professor of Psychiatry at the University of North Carolina, and Professor Emeritus at both the University of Illinois at Chicago and the University of Maryland. He is a former president of the Society for Psychophysiological Research and has been president of the Federation of Behavioral, Psychological, and Cognitive Sciences, which represents approximately twenty-thousand biobehavioral scientists. He’s led a number of other organizations and received a wide variety of professional awards.

In 1994 he proposed the Polyvagal Theory, a theory that links the evolution of the mammalian autonomic nervous system to social behavior and emphasizes the importance of physiological states in the expression of behavioral problems and psychiatric disorders. The theory is leading to innovative treatments based on insights into the mechanisms mediating symptoms observed in several behavioral, psychiatric, and physical disorders, and has had a major impact on the field of psychology.

Dr. Porges has published more than 300 peer-reviewed papers across a wide array of disciplines. He’s also the author of several books including The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation.

Dr. Bruce Perry is the Principal of the Neurosequential Network, Senior Fellow of The ChildTrauma Academy, and a Professor (Adjunct) in the Departments of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University in Chicago and the School of Allied Health at La Trobe University in Melbourne, Australia. From 1993 to 2001 he was the Thomas S. Trammell Research Professor of Psychiatry at Baylor College of Medicine and chief of psychiatry at Texas Children's Hospital.

He’s one of the world’s leading experts on the impact of trauma in childhood, and his work on the impact of abuse, neglect, and trauma on the developing brain has impacted clinical practice, programs, and policy across the world. His work has been instrumental in describing how traumatic events in childhood change the biology of the brain.

Dr. Perry's most recent book, What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing, co-authored with Oprah Winfrey, was released earlier this year. Dr. Perry is also the author, with Maia Szalavitz, of The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog, a bestselling book based on his work with maltreated children, and Born For Love: Why Empathy is Essential and Endangered. Additionally, he’s authored more than 300 journal articles and book chapters and has been the recipient of a variety of professional awards.

Dr. Allison Briscoe-Smith is a child clinical psychologist who specializes in trauma and issues of race. She earned her undergraduate degree from Harvard and then received her Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of California, Berkeley. She performed postdoctoral work at the University of California San Francisco/San Francisco General Hospital. She has combined her love of teaching and advocacy by serving as a professor and by directing mental health programs for children experiencing trauma, homelessness, or foster care.

Dr. Briscoe-Smith is also a senior fellow of Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center and is both a professor and the Director of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion at the Wright Institute. She provides consultation and training to nonprofits and schools on how to support trauma-informed practices and cultural accountability.

Sharon Salzberg is a world-renowned teacher and New York Times bestselling author. She is widely considered one of the most influential individuals in bringing mindfulness practices to the West, and co-founded the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, Massachusetts alongside Jack Kornfield and Joseph Goldstein. Sharon has been a student of Dipa Ma, Anagarika Munindra, and Sayadaw U Pandita alongside other masters.

Sharon has authored 10 books, and is the host of the fantastic Metta Hour podcast. She was a contributing editor of Oprah’s O Magazine, had her work featured in Time and on NPR, and contributed to panels alongside the Dalai Lama.

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