Parent From the Same Page

Parent From the Same Page

Are you working together?

The Practice:
Parent from the same page.

Why?

(Note: This JOT is adapted from Mother Nurture, a book written for mothers – focusing on typical parenting situations and gender differences that are experienced by many, though not all, mothers and fathers and by parents in same-sex relationships. Parenting is a complex subject, plus it intertwines with larger issues of gender roles and the long history of mistreatment of women; obviously, society should do a better job of supporting families in general and mothers and fathers in particular, but meanwhile, there are things they can do for themselves; alas, there is no room for these complexities in these brief JOTs; for my discussion of them, please see Mother Nurture.)

It’s hard to get on the same page since parents often have different values in child rearing and issues of who gets to be right or in charge muddy the water. Yet children get confused when their parents have different approaches and are more likely to play one parent against the other: But Dad said I could! And it is disheartening when a partner approaches one of the most important undertakings in life in a way that seems wrongheaded or cavalier.

Minor differences in parenting style are all right. Besides helping children prepare for a variety of teachers and (eventually) bosses, complementary approaches can build on each other, like Mom is more of a tender owie-kisser and Dad an exuberant horsie-back-ride-giver, so kids get the best of both worlds. But major differences in parenting values or actions are a problem.

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How?

Take the First Steps

While it may seem unfair for one partner to make the first move, helping to evoke positive behavior can reduce his/her reasons for being irked. And there will be a better result by taking steps together. Here’s a buffet of options, focused on the common situations of partners whose parenting styles differ.

  • Have confidence in the other parent’s fundamental parenting abilities
  • Use encouragement
  • Offer acknowledgment
  • Create space for learning
  • Try not intervening in situations and see what happens instead (unless something truly abusive is occurring)
  • Understand the whole picture before jumping in
  • Don’t micromanage
  • Get a reality check on the actual seriousness of the differences by being clear about the facts
  • Be respectful. When offering suggestions, be respectful and specific
  • Try to be a model of the reactions that are expected in return

Take Steps Together

  • Talk about values
  • Be supportive of each other
  • Try not to polarize roles so that one parent is the disciplinarian while the other gets to be more nurturing or playful
  • Use a tie-breaker

Establish Clear Facts

The place to begin is to establish what the facts are. Agreements may already be in place about how the load is shared, but commonly one partner feels that he or she is doing more than the other partner is aware of, which sparks recurring quarrels.

Each partner could simply list his or her part with the kids or household that day. If even that would be overwhelming-make a list for an hour or for a specific part of the day, such as the morning or evening.

At night, compare notes, and see if agreements can be made about the basic facts of that day without nit-picking whether something took five minutes or ten. At the end of the period, try to agree on what the facts are, plus or minus ten percent.

Establish Clear Principles

Even with clear facts, parents can disagree about what they mean. Cultural factors influence our expectations about the proper sharing of roles after children arrive.

In gentle ways, you can support your partner’s involvement by shining light on what a difference it makes to your children.

Establish Clear Agreements

Once you come together on basic principles, agreements about actions are pretty straightforward, especially when you use the negotiation skills you’ve already learned. Here are some practical solutions that have helped many families, including those in which the parents are already sharing the load fairly and the real issue is only how to work together even better.

  • Coordinate with each other
  • Keep things in perspective
  • Try to be flexible and creative for the greater good
  • Look for ways to both be involved with the children
  • Work out housework issues
  • Tackle high-stress situations together
  • Balance the total stress load more or less evenly
  • Address the impact of work on your family

Know Someone Who Would Like to Be a More Supportive Parenting Partner?

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Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, and expert on the impact of toxic narcissism. She is a Professor of Psychology at California State University, Los Angeles, and also a Visiting Professor at the University of Johannesburg.

The focus of Dr. Ramani’s clinical, academic, and consultative work is the etiology and impact of narcissism and high-conflict, entitled, antagonistic personality styles on human relationships, mental health, and societal expectations. She has spoken on these issues to clinicians, educators, and researchers around the world.

She is the author of Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist, and Don't You Know Who I Am? How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Her work has been featured at SxSW, TEDx, and on a wide range of media platforms including Red Table Talk, the Today Show, Oxygen, Investigation Discovery, and Bravo, and she is a featured expert on the digital media mental health platform MedCircle. Dr. Durvasula’s research on personality disorders has been funded by the National Institutes of Health and she is a Consulting Editor of the scientific journal Behavioral Medicine.

Dr. Stephen Porges is a Distinguished University Scientist at Indiana University, Professor of Psychiatry at the University of North Carolina, and Professor Emeritus at both the University of Illinois at Chicago and the University of Maryland. He is a former president of the Society for Psychophysiological Research and has been president of the Federation of Behavioral, Psychological, and Cognitive Sciences, which represents approximately twenty-thousand biobehavioral scientists. He’s led a number of other organizations and received a wide variety of professional awards.

In 1994 he proposed the Polyvagal Theory, a theory that links the evolution of the mammalian autonomic nervous system to social behavior and emphasizes the importance of physiological states in the expression of behavioral problems and psychiatric disorders. The theory is leading to innovative treatments based on insights into the mechanisms mediating symptoms observed in several behavioral, psychiatric, and physical disorders, and has had a major impact on the field of psychology.

Dr. Porges has published more than 300 peer-reviewed papers across a wide array of disciplines. He’s also the author of several books including The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation.

Dr. Bruce Perry is the Principal of the Neurosequential Network, Senior Fellow of The ChildTrauma Academy, and a Professor (Adjunct) in the Departments of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University in Chicago and the School of Allied Health at La Trobe University in Melbourne, Australia. From 1993 to 2001 he was the Thomas S. Trammell Research Professor of Psychiatry at Baylor College of Medicine and chief of psychiatry at Texas Children's Hospital.

He’s one of the world’s leading experts on the impact of trauma in childhood, and his work on the impact of abuse, neglect, and trauma on the developing brain has impacted clinical practice, programs, and policy across the world. His work has been instrumental in describing how traumatic events in childhood change the biology of the brain.

Dr. Perry's most recent book, What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing, co-authored with Oprah Winfrey, was released earlier this year. Dr. Perry is also the author, with Maia Szalavitz, of The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog, a bestselling book based on his work with maltreated children, and Born For Love: Why Empathy is Essential and Endangered. Additionally, he’s authored more than 300 journal articles and book chapters and has been the recipient of a variety of professional awards.

Dr. Allison Briscoe-Smith is a child clinical psychologist who specializes in trauma and issues of race. She earned her undergraduate degree from Harvard and then received her Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of California, Berkeley. She performed postdoctoral work at the University of California San Francisco/San Francisco General Hospital. She has combined her love of teaching and advocacy by serving as a professor and by directing mental health programs for children experiencing trauma, homelessness, or foster care.

Dr. Briscoe-Smith is also a senior fellow of Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center and is both a professor and the Director of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion at the Wright Institute. She provides consultation and training to nonprofits and schools on how to support trauma-informed practices and cultural accountability.

Sharon Salzberg is a world-renowned teacher and New York Times bestselling author. She is widely considered one of the most influential individuals in bringing mindfulness practices to the West, and co-founded the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, Massachusetts alongside Jack Kornfield and Joseph Goldstein. Sharon has been a student of Dipa Ma, Anagarika Munindra, and Sayadaw U Pandita alongside other masters.

Sharon has authored 10 books, and is the host of the fantastic Metta Hour podcast. She was a contributing editor of Oprah’s O Magazine, had her work featured in Time and on NPR, and contributed to panels alongside the Dalai Lama.

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